Preface: I wanted to write about some deep, intellectual shit, but alas - my mind was bringing me elsewhere. So, I'll humor these whims and allow myself to write a love letter to potatoes. Let's see what I can 'mash' together...just don't call me Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Dear Potatoes,
I've defended you from the hawkish hands of greedy girlfriends many a time, and I intend to just as valiantly defend your honor from those that would dare defy your greatness. The English writer Douglas Adams once said, "It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." I find this to be nothing short of blasphemy - tater traitors, begone!
Your greatest asset lies in your versatility. I can have you at any time; you can be a bad decision after midnight, yet a great decision the next morning. There are so many ways to cook you - baked, mashed, and fried, to name a few. You're found on the diets of health freaks and gourmands alike, and you might be the only food I can get from both a steakhouse and a drive thru.
Lest we forget about your magnum opus, the french fry. A paragon of potato dishes, I shudder to think where we'd be without you; a fryless world is not one I'd like to live in. Endeared in every corner of the globe, and for good reason - what other food can match that perfectly crispy, savory taste of starchiness?
For my money, there's only one other potato item can come close to rivaling the fry, and that is its close relative, the tater tot. This style of potato, in all its grated greatness, takes the crispiness and texture to a whole new level. Thank you, F. Nephi Grigg. Now gimme some of your tots!
From latkes to lyonnaise, and samosas to steak frites, there are countless potato recipes that many cultures bring to the table. I cannot think of one I desire more than a knish - a flavorful bomb of dough typically fried and stuffed with potato fillings. Or so I had hoped, when I tried my first. Years ago, my friends and I were visiting the city, and I had never tried a knish before, so I got my first from a random street cart in Manhattan. It was as cold as it was bland; for all the wonderful experiences I've had with potatoes, this is one that needs rectifying. The Knish of Vindication awaits.
I'm starting to get hungry from writing this, so I'll close this out with some spudtacular non sequiturs:
- Couch broccoli? Couch onion? Nah, son - when it's laziness you seek, a couch potato is what you become. No other vegetables are worthy of such a title.
- Shooting a potato gun is an enthralling experience that I would recommend you try at least once in your lifetime. Adult supervision optional.
- There's a time and place for adding a hash brown to your breakfast sandwich: the time is always, and the place is anywhere.
- The only movie character named after a vegetable? Mr. Potato Head, that's who. Don Rickles wouldn't just play any role, you know.
These uniquely ubiquitous vegetables will always have a place in my heart, and they will always be the heart of my plate. As I see it, the statement made by Douglas Adams was simply....
...small potatoes.
Love,
Espo
