Hello, Fools of April!
Last month's free agency flurry reshaped the football landscape. Transactions and signings abound, with massive implications for years to come. Though, who are we kidding, the Chiefs will probably win it again...but the other 31 teams still have to try, don't they?
Draft day is just under a week away. The rumors and misinformation will only get louder from here on out, so if you're looking for a highly trustworthy unofficial unverifiable hot take machine, you'd do well to stay on the Espo Experience website to catch up on all the latest and greatest coverage of the draft. With that said:
CHICAGO, YOU ARE [STILL] ON THE CLOCK!
Volume 2
1) Chicago Bears [via Carolina]: Caleb Williams, QB, USC
Williams is one of the most polished passers to come out of college in a long time - perhaps the best QB prospect since Andrew Luck in 2012. As surefire a #1 pick as they come. Feel free to bet the mortgage on it, especially since their former starting QB Justin Fields is now a Steeler. Caleb to Chicago is now the LOCK OF THE CENTURY, so you can go ahead and order those new jerseys, Bears fans - just make sure they're from a reputable seller. And on that note, I would like to present:
Sports Jersey Quality Rankings
1. Knockoffs originating from the People's Republic of China
2. Hand me downs from your cousin (The Jefferson '04 will be mine one day, Pablo)
3. A neighborhood yard sale in which the seller has no idea of the value of the item they're selling
4. eBay
5. Team gift shops and local apparel stores that haven't been monopolized by a rat fuck, yet
6. A jersey sewn by a competent middle schooler in a home economics class, circa 2007. It may or may not have been a classmate of mine whom I bribed to do my project for me. I will neither confirm nor deny this.
....
665. A jersey sewn by an incompetent middle schooler, also in that same home economics class, circa 2007. And yet, I would still trust the craftmanship of my product over [REDACTED] and his ever-growing/monopolizing/festering porta-potty shitpile of a company,
666. F @ n a t i c $
Honorable mentions/past their prime:
-The original NBA Store, Midtown Manhattan
-The flagship Mitchell & Ness Store, Philly
-Canal Street, Lower Manhattan
2) Washington Commanders: Jayden Daniels, QB, LSU
The Commanders recently hired Kliff Kingsbury as their offensive coordinator, and he has a history of working with mobile quarterbacks (see: Murray, Kyler). The writing's on the wall with this one - it just makes too much sense. Also, PSA if you're a new owner of a football team: draft the most exciting player in the country, and a Heisman Trophy winner at that; it's a pretty decent way to endear yourself to the fanbase. Unless you're the Browns.
3) New England Patriots: Drake Maye, QB, UNC
I have a strong gut feeling that the Vikings are going to trade up to this pick and take Drake Maye, but until that happens, the bastards from Boston will remain on the clock. And so long as that is the case, they would be wise to draft a new quarterback. As a Jets fan, I am praying they fall for the Mac Jones trap again and take JJ McCarthy, but, as a Jets fan, I also know not to get my hopes up when rooting against the Patriots. They always find a way to screw me over. Bastards.
4) Arizona Cardinals: Marvin Harrison Jr., WR, Ohio State
Easiest pick in the whole damn draft. Now that the Cardinals have made it clear that Kyler is their guy, they need to get him some better offensive weapons. MHJ is the complete package at wideout. Size, speed, route running, and last but not least, PEDIGREE. The name should speak for itself, but for those who don't know, he is quite literally the second coming of Marvin Harrison (The Harri-Son, if you will). Maybe Arch Manning can join him in the desert next year...for time is a flat circle.
5) Los Angeles Chargers: Rome Odunze, WR, Washington
The need for a #1 wide receiver is now more apparent than ever, now that Keenan Allen and Mike Williams have been excommunicated from the Church of Harbaugh. With MHJ off the board, this is an easy pick for LA. In any other draft, I think Odunze would be the top wideout. If he lands with the Chargers, he'll immediately become Justin Herbert's only favorite target.
6) New York Giants: Malik Nabers, WR, LSU
It still feels like yesterday, when Odell Beckham Jr made that miraculous one-handed grab on Sunday Night Football. And yet, it's actually been a decade. The Giants' WR room has long been one of the worst in the league since OBJ's departure; just mentioning the name 'Golladay' sends shivers down any fan's spine. And thus, the Giants faithful will chant: Won't You Draft My Nabers?
8) Atlanta Falcons: Dallas Turner, DL, Alabama
Another pick that doesn't require much explanation; this is another instance of the team's need and the best player available both lining up quite nicely. The Falcons need to add to the defensive side of the ball, specifically the pass rush. Turner is probably the top defensive player in the entire draft. They don't need to overthink this one. Book the ticket - DFW to ATL.
9) Chicago Bears: Olu Fashanu, OL, Penn State
Team drafts franchise QB. Team then drafts OL protection for him. Protect your investment - a tale as old as time, yet time after time, NFL teams fail to heed this message. If they don't take one here, then they're just asking for trouble. Fashanu and Fuaga are both neck and neck in my rankings; the former is a superior pass protector, while the latter is more of a mauler in the run game. You can't go wrong with either, but I suspect they'll opt for the Nittany Lion.
10) New York Jets: Brock Bowers, TE, Georgia
The Jets, The Jets, The Jets. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...
On second thought, I'd rather not go down memory lane. To regale oneself with the history of Jets draft busts is an exercise in masochism, and this tortured poet knows better than to stoop so low with flashbacks of Blair Thomas, Vernon Gholston, and, dare I say it - Hackenberg. But that was then. This is now. The question remains: what the hell is Joe Douglas going to do with this pick? This is his LAST chance to make a home run pick; if the Jets don't make the playoffs, he and his head coach Robert Saleh will be out of jobs come 2025. They may have added depth this offseason to the offensive line in the form of Tyron Smith and Morgan Moses, but you simply can never have enough protection for your quarterback. Taking an offensive lineman here isn't a sexy pick with other offensive weapons on the board, but as a wise man once said, "it's the smart move."
11) Minnesota Vikings: JJ McCarthy, QB, Michigan
I have a strong feeling that the Vikings will use this pick, along with the #23 pick, to make a move up into the top 5 for Drake Maye. However, there is just as likely a chance that New England remains "pat" at 3 and takes the quarterback of their choice. The Vikings moved on from Kirk Cousins this offseason and need a long-term successor. I am not a believer in the McCarthy hype, but somebody's gotta take him. At the very least, he can't be any worse than Sam Darnold. (Trust me. I would know. I've seen those ghosts too)
Well then...
Now that the top quarterbacks are off the board, I'm going to speedrun the rest of this first round, so I can go back to my regularly scheduled programming of watching afternoon baseball/existential rumination/digesting too much draft content/staring into the abyss:
12) Denver Broncos: Terrion Arnold, CB, Alabama
13) Las Vegas Raiders: Taliese Fuaga, OL, Oregon State
15) Indianapolis Colts: Quinyon Mitchell, CB, Toledo
16) Seattle Seahawks: Troy Fautanu, OL, Washington
17) Jacksonville Jaguars: Byron Murphy, DL, Texas
18) Cincinnati Bengals: JC Latham, OL, Alabama
19) Los Angeles Rams: Laitu Latu, DL, UCLA
20) Pittsburgh Steelers: Jackson Powers-Johnson, OL, Oregon
21) Miami Dolphins: Johnny Newton, DL, Illinois
22) Philadelphia Eagles: Cooper DeJean, CB, Iowa
23) Minnesota Vikings [via Houston, via Cleveland]: Graham Barton, OL, Duke
24) Dallas Cowboys: Amarius Mims, OL, Georgia
25) Green Bay Packers: Tyler Guyton, OL, Oklahoma
26) Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Kool-Aid McKinstry, CB, Alabama
27) Arizona Cardinals [via Houston]: Chop Robinson, DL, Penn State
28) Buffalo Bills: Brian Thomas, WR, LSU
29) Detroit Lions: Zach Frazier, OL, West Virginia
30) Baltimore Ravens: Nate Wiggins, CB, Clemson
31) San Francisco 49ers: Jordan Morgan, OL, Arizona
32) Kansas City Chiefs: Adonai Mitchell, WR, Texas
_
NIX-ED from the first round, but will find a home early in R2:
- Michael Penix Jr (prediction: Las Vegas Raiders)
- Bo Nix (prediction: Denver Broncos)
We're less than a week away from DRAFT DAY, folks. The next wave of football superstars will soon know their fates, and the way of the future will be established. This draft class will be one for the books. As the legendary Hall of Famer Terrell Owens once said - getcha popcorn ready!
-Espo