"I wish I could get into baseball, but it's too slow for me", or "the games lack excitement", or, the most painful of them all, "it's just boring". And the list goes on. I hear it all too often.
If you're one of those people, you've come to the right place. With the 2023 season rapidly approaching, it seems fitting to rattle off 23 unique improvements to the baseball experience. Some of the changes will be to the game itself, but most will be about improving the ballpark and in-game experience for the fans. Budgets and logistics be damned.
MLB can rake in all the money it wants from TV deals, sponsorships, Steve Cohen's coffers, etc., but at the end of the day, they need to remember that this game belongs to the people. And I will give the people what they want - action and excitement abound. Even if my ideas are juuuuust a bit outside.
Without further ado, may I present to you:
Funnyball: The Art of Improving A Dull Game
2: Fighting is permitted. Who doesn't love seeing a good old backyard brawl? Taking a page out of the NHL's playbook, where fighting is seen as a badge of honor, there will no longer be suspensions or ejections for fighting. So long as you're picking on someone your own size. Or age (I'm looking at you, Pedro). The only punishment players will receive is a walk of shame to the bullpen, where they will sit for one inning to let the adrenaline cool down/ice their hand/watch the highlights on Twitter.
3: Bat flips are mandatory for all home runs. As baseball's equivalent of the touchdown dance, it's one of the best ways a player can express baller status on the field. I challenge you to find anything cooler in the history of mankind, than this. However, if you flip the bat too soon, and it turns out to be just a single or a double off the wall, then you're declared OUT. Because looking like a jackass just isn't enough.
4: The hitter that makes the last out of the game has to buy a round of drinks for the rest of the team. It's a tradition as old as time, in the world of corporate softball leagues, at least. If you're going to let your team down, at least give them something to drown their sorrows with. This happened to me once; it's a rite of passage, you know. Since I am but a peasant, I bought my team some cases of Miller High Life, a.k.a. the champagne of the working class. (With the salaries some of these guys make, we better see the Remy and Macallan flowing)
5: If a fan catches a foul ball from a hitter on the opposing team, the hitter is ruled OUT. How's that for an interactive fan experience? Surely. no chaos would ensue as a result of this. Surely, no teams would be savvy enough to employ undercover saboteurs/interns in the stands to keep balls from being caught. If this doesn't drive up attendance at games, I don't what else will. So remember to bring your glove to the game!
6: If you come into possession of a foul ball or home run, you are under zero obligation to give it to a crying child. In fact, it should be your duty not to. It's best they learn some tough life lessons at an early age - life isn't fair, and you can't always get what you want. Besides, they have their whole life ahead of them to catch one. They're not even spending their own money to go to the game! I have yet to catch one in my 20+ years of attending games, but I swear I'm not bitter.
7: Expansion teams aplenty. What better way for baseball to grow the game than to expand its geographical reach? Las Vegas could certainly use a team, as could Portland and Nashville. But we need to break new ground - expanding to where no other pro leagues have gone before, to the farthest reaches of the United States. So hop on board as I introduce you to some of the league's newest franchises:
The Kernel Colonels; Dyersville, IA
The Loopholes; Wilmington, DE
The Rippers; Clifton, NJ
The Blue Ballers; Anchorage, AK
The Poke Men; Maui, HI
8: Each team must choreograph a synchronized dance routine that they all perform together after victories. What's not to like? It's important to let loose after a stressful few hours of effort. Bonus points if the manager joins in on the fun, and extra bonus points if the manager is a boomer. I'm co-opting this idea from the Savannah Bananas, who are true baseball pioneers, and a great source of inspiration for this work of art known as Funnyball.
9: All relief pitchers are mandated to drive the bullpen cart onto the field. I can't wait to see Edwin Diaz floor it out of center field while blasting the ever-ubiquitous Narco. (You know I had to give the trumpets some love!) If teams want to get extra creative, they ought to make the bullpen cart representative of their team's culture, such as an apple-themed cart for the Mets, a beer-themed cart for the Brewers, or a trashcan-themed cart for the Astros.
NOTE: For what it's worth, I came up with this entry prior to Edwin Diaz's tragic injury that will keep him out for the entire season. So I take full responsibility for cursing the Mets, yet again.
NOTE 2: I am sad. Very sad.
10: If a streaker successfully evades security for a period of at least 2 minutes, they are granted immunity from arrest. Isn't it such a bummer when a hooligan runs onto the field, only for the TV cameras to cut away from the action? Streaking is a time-honored tradition deeply ingrained in sports culture, so I say it's time we stop punishing them, and start rewarding them. However, there are still rules to abide by; in order to receive immunity, the streaker must be stark naked. You can't half-ass this, you've got to bare-ass it. As an added bonus, they get to throw out the first pitch at the next game - provided they keep their clothes on this time.
10: If a streaker successfully evades security for a period of at least 2 minutes, they are granted immunity from arrest. Isn't it such a bummer when a hooligan runs onto the field, only for the TV cameras to cut away from the action? Streaking is a time-honored tradition deeply ingrained in sports culture, so I say it's time we stop punishing them, and start rewarding them. However, there are still rules to abide by; in order to receive immunity, the streaker must be stark naked. You can't half-ass this, you've got to bare-ass it. As an added bonus, they get to throw out the first pitch at the next game - provided they keep their clothes on this time.
11: Every day is declared 'Bark at the Park' day. If players had a hard time dealing with fans heckling them, let's see how they fare when we let actual dogs bark at them. These sweet boys and girls deserve all the adoration. I have to seriously question your heart if you're opposed to seeing this during your ballpark experience. There may be dog shit all over the stadium concourse as a result, but hey, plenty of team owners are ok with putting a dogshit product on the field, so it shouldn't be too much of a challenge for them.
12: Anyone that does a wedding proposal at a game is ejected from the stadium, and permanently banned from ever returning. Cringe. Your proposal is supposed to be a special moment between you and your loved one, not between you, your loved one, the group of obnoxiously drunk guidos sitting in the bleachers, and the sweaty old man who brought his own bag of bagels to eat (true story). In-game proposals are about as unoriginal as they come. Anyone who does this should not only be rejected, but tarred and feathered as well.
13: Every team must implement a mid-game mascot race based on their team/city culture, in the spirit of the Brewers' Sausage Race or the Nationals' Presidents Race. I have had the good fortune of witnessing some of these races live, in person, and the energy in the stadium during them is palpable. It's about time that the rest of the league adopts this tradition - let's brainstorm a few, shall we?
Mets; Apples: McIntosh, Granny Smith, Red Delicious, Gala
Yankees; Dollar Bills: Washington, Lincoln, Jackson, Franklin
Twins; Famous Twins: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Fred and George Weasley, Tia and Tamera Mowry, The Grady Sisters (Note: this must be a three-legged potato race)
Giants; Famous Giants: Sasquatch, Michael Strahan, The Yeti, Paul Bunyan
(Honorable mention: Hogarth)
Padres; Famous Dads: Donald Sutherland, Mrs. Doubtfire, Stellan Skarsgård, Mufasa
14: Price gouging of food and drinks is outlawed. This blasphemous business practice has no place at the ballpark. As if the price of tickets isn't enough. I'm going to take this rule even further by instituting a leaguewide price cap on both beer and hot dogs, the McCartney and Lennon of ballpark concessions, respectively. Ten Cent Beer Night 2.0 might be pushing the envelope, but in this economy, we have to do what's right for the people.
15: One luxury box is chosen at random each game to have its attendees swap seats with fans in the upper deck. Do you know what the definition of opulence at the ballpark is? Using a private bathroom, in an air-conditioned suite, during a heat wave. I think it's only fair that the *real* fans get to experience a taste of the good life. Sticking with the theme of supporting the proletariat, this rule is sure to ruffle some feathers among the elite, but you know what, they could always try pulling themselves up by their bootstraps?
16: Corporate sponsorship out the ass. Players can sign endorsement deals granting them the right to become walking billboards, similar to golfers, where there are corporate logos all over their clothes. Not every guy is going to get a contract like Judge or Trout, so it will be a nice bit of supplemental income for them and their families. Every square inch of their uniform is permitted to have sponsorship, like a NASCAR suit on steroids. Take note, advertisers - I've done your job for you below:
The Helmet, brought to you by Everclear
The Left Sleeve, brought to you by Lockheed Martin
The Glove, brought to you by Durex
The Belt, brought to you by Trump Steaks
The Backside, brought to you by FTX
17: For one game a year, fans get to vote on a celebrity from their city to manage a game for their team. Baseball may be America's national pastime, but worshipping celebrities is not far behind. So why not get the best of both worlds? For one night only, fanbases can choose their team's manager, but they better choose wisely. Do you really think a Styles or a Swift (sorry, sis) would know how to manage a bullpen? I can't seem to shake the idea of Larry David in pinstripes, going ballistic on an umpire, in the vein of legendary hotheads Lou Piniella or Bobby Cox. On that note, if the celebrity doesn't argue and get themselves ejected, then consider the whole damn thing a waste.
18: During every Sunday night game, Commissioner Rob Manfred is roasted by standup comedians and placed in a dunk tank. He humiliates himself on the national stage plenty enough, but this invertebrate is worthy of all our scorn and then some. I will recruit an all-star roster of roastmasters to mock and ridicule the man who once called the World Series trophy "a piece of metal." He will also be subjected to sitting in a dunk tank for fans of all teams to enjoy throwing at. It's a clown's game for a clown of a man.
19: Promotions and giveaways must be based on the team/city culture, and all fans are entitled to them - not just the first ten or twenty thousand. Look, I love bobbleheads and mini bats as much as the next guy, but a lot of the free items which teams give out are lackluster. I think we need to spice things up a bit. And to honor those who fell victim to the Infamous Syndergaard Bobblehead Fail of 2019, namely myself, I hereby implore all teams to manufacture enough items for the entire crowd. Here are a few ideas of what teams should be giving away:
Tigers: Motor oil, Smokey Robinson records, live tiger cubs
Pirates: Peg legs, Andy Warhol artwork, bottles of Heinz ketchup
Diamondbacks: Live rattlesnakes, sunscreen, miniature cacti
Red Sox: Clam chowder, running shoes, Ben Affleck meet-and-greet
Mets: bourbon, antidepressants, therapy
Disclaimer: I bear no legal liability if and when these go south. Trust me, they will.
20: Going to a baseball game in the daytime does not count against PTO. In fact, you should be paid double. Your CEO can probably afford it. They might have to take less helicopter rides to work, or sublet a room in their third penthouse apartment, but hey, we all have to make sacrifices, right? It is your ethical duty to play hooky from work when sunshine and baseball are on the table. Bonus points if you take off right before an important meeting, because nothing is more important than baseball.
21: The All-Star Break gets a makeover. Let us end the charade of the All-Star Game itself, which has been steadily declining in popularity for some time now. It's just not a good product anymore. Besides, the Home Run Derby is the pièce de résistance of the festivities. But that's not enough. We need to add skills challenges like the NFL and NBA have. Ease the fans into it with simple exhibitions such as dizzy bat or running the bases, and then turn up the volume with some more unconventional games.
21: The All-Star Break gets a makeover. Let us end the charade of the All-Star Game itself, which has been steadily declining in popularity for some time now. It's just not a good product anymore. Besides, the Home Run Derby is the pièce de résistance of the festivities. But that's not enough. We need to add skills challenges like the NFL and NBA have. Ease the fans into it with simple exhibitions such as dizzy bat or running the bases, and then turn up the volume with some more unconventional games.
Bullpen cart demolition derby? Sunflower seed spitting contest? A hot dog eating contest would be cool, but you know what's cooler? A rocky mountain oyster eating contest, or a toasted grasshopper eating contest. All sponsored by Tums, of course.
22: Players are nominated by their teammates to sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame during the 7th-inning stretch. Failure to comply will result in the player being shunned for an indefinite period of time. Or they will be immediately traded to Oakland (but then again, what's the difference?). And not for nothing, but I'm banning the National Anthem and God Bless America, and replacing them with Cher's Believe, and Childish Gambino's This Is America, respectively. The vibes will be immaculate. for there will be no contrived patriotic rituals. Just straight bangers.
23: The New York Mets are granted exclusive permission to clone Shohei Ohtani and field an entire team of Ohtanis. Dubbed as 'The Greatest Sho Men', they will go 162-0 in the regular season, with each Ohtani hitting for the cycle every game as well as pitching a perfect game with 27 strikeouts. But, in classic Mets fashion, every Ohtani will get hurt in the playoffs, and they are forced to field a team of mere mortals. They will put up a valiant fight before ultimately choking in the bright lights of the World Series. As is their destiny.
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This ostentatious odyssey to baseball omniscience has finally reached its end. But before we put it in the books, there's one more thing I have to say to Rob Manfred, noted hater of the game:
You say you want to save baseball,
but the only saving that baseball needs,
is to be saved from you.
but the only saving that baseball needs,
is to be saved from you.
