When it comes to these United States, New Jersey may be just one of fifty. But to me, it's one of a kind. Through years of empirical research, I can say (without any bias, of course) that New Jersey is the best place to be. I've visited 26 states so far, and though I do plan to eventually see all 50, I'm confident none of them will ever match the quality and character of the Garden State.To quote the iconic fitness entrepreneur White Goodman, "we're better than you and we know it." But just knowing it isn't enough for me; it's high time I paid homage to our heritage in written form. So, I've put together a guide of the best places, people, and things that New Jersey has to offer, accompanied with plenty of other facts and details about the greatest 7,300 square miles on earth, give or take. Without further ado, I present to you:
Jersey's Finest: An A-Z Primer of What Makes The Garden State Great
DISCLAIMER: I will be taking many editorial liberties with this list, because it's my blog and I make the rules, damnit.
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ASBURY PARK. It's the best place to spend a beach day in all of New Jersey; it has everything you could ask for out of a beach town, and then some. Catch some rays, some waves, and definitely some beverages at one of the many fine drinking establishments. The culinary scene is burgeoning as well. Maybe, you'll be so lucky as to find yourself catching a show at the state's preeminent music venue, The House That Bruce Built - more commonly known as The Stone Pony. The official state capital may be Trenton, but it is my belief that the cultural capital of New Jersey is Asbury Park.
BAGELS. Why are New Jerseyans and New Yorkers always fighting over who does it better? Why can't we both unite in knowing our region has a monopoly on the best breakfast foods? Because the simple truth is, we're better than our homies across the Hudson. In my time living in the Five Boroughs, I had my share of great bagels, but there's simply no place like home. It's a hot take, but I say Jersey bagels stand above New York's. I also say, give me an everything bagel with a subtle crisp on the outside, with an interior that is fluffy and rich. Schmear some specialty cream cheese and put a hash brown on that bitch.
CRAFT BEER. As my idol Hunter S. Thompson once said, "good people drink good beer". According to the stats, New Jersey is actually near the bottom of the list in terms of breweries per capita, but when it comes to quality breweries, though, Hunter would've been proud, since the Garden State is #1. (source: my well-travelled beer gut). In the eyes of this beer snob, Carton, Kane, Flying Fish and River Horse are the best of the best. Come fly with me and join me for a flight (or two) on my next brewery tour.
DINERS. If I could choose one thing on this list that New Jersey demonstrably does better than any other state, it's being the goddamn world capital of the diner, the quintessential American eatery. If there's ever a reason why I never leave NJ, diners are probably going to be why. The sheer volume of them alone is outstanding, but it's the quality that always keeps me coming back. How can anyone top breakfast at a diner on a Sunday morning in New Jersey? With lunch, that's how. And if you're wondering how you can do better than that, then why yes - why not stop for dinner at a diner, too? In my next life, I think I'd like to be a matzah ball.
ESPOSITO. Truly one of the great family dynasties to ever exist not just in the state, but the universe (source: me again), so I'm going to give a special shout-out to Desiree, Frank, and Amanda - many experiences on this list were made possible by you all! And our sweet princess Lola of course. But what can I say, this wouldn't be a true Espo Experience without some shameless self-promotion, now would it? And folks, the best is yet to come. For I am: The Last Esposito? It is my duty to carry on the legacy. Alas. I can't think that far ahead...I haven't even finished Seinfeld yet.
FUCK. Yes, that's right, the word 'fuck' (like I said, editorial liberties aplenty). Anyways. We'd be lying to ourselves if we didn't admit this word doesn't come out of our mouths every five fucking minutes. I sure as shit swear like a sailor, but okay, maybe you're not as vulgar as me. Make no mistake though - New Jerseyans are not known for giving a damn about decorum. Since I'm a betting man, I'm willing to wager every single one of you fuckers have uttered this word whilst weathering the fiery hellscape that is the parkway during rush hour. And if you say no, you're a fucking liar.
GAMBLING. Winners win. In 2018, The Supreme Court struck down the federal ban on sports betting when they ruled in favor of the great state of New Jersey! We've got Atlantic City, the gambling capital of the Eastern Seaboard, at our fingertips and I will not miss a chance to promote it. While I'm sure AC will pale in comparison once I make my maiden voyage to the City of Sin, it's still one of the greatest place for vices around. Lest we forget about one of the great bastions of degeneracy, the racetrack. Just remember, as a wise man once said, "victory is a fleeting thing in the gambling business. Today's winners are tomorrow's blinking toads, dumb beasts with no hope."
HIKING. I'm convinced I could go hiking in NJ every day for a year and never visit the same place twice (yet, I still always end up at Sourland Mountain). There is absolutely nothing in this world that is sweeter than breathing in crisp, fresh air while taking in views of vast vistas, with nary a skyscraper in sight. From the Palisades to the Pine Barrens, and beyond, opportunities to explore the natural world are abundant throughout the aptly-named Garden State, and that is just how it should be. Still on the bucket list: Stairway to Heaven, and the one and only Mt. Tammany. Always on the hunt for new spots, I am.
ITALIANS. New York may have more paisanos per capita than us, but what's interesting is that I don't recall Tony Soprano ever living on that side of the river! We have some legendary Italian-American actors with Jersey roots, including the GOAT himself (may he rest in peace). Gandolfini's greatness aside, our state's Italian heritage is as rich as the marinara sauce that coarses through my veins. And on the topic of food, sorry again New York, but outside of the old country, the best Italian food is made in New Jersey. Just to reaffirm these findings, though, I think it's time for this Garden State goombah to conduct some more research. Perhaps a fresh ball of mutz with some gabagool.
JARGON. Do you drink water or wooder? Coffee or cawfee? New Jerseyans have a strange, yet wonderfully unique vocabulary. Going to the beach? Nonsense, you're going down the shore. And if you've ever been down the shore, I'm sure you've taken a few jughandles to get there. Maybe you cut a few people off with the good old jersey slide as well (something I would know absolutely nothing about, mom). Perhaps you flipped off some bennies and shoobies too. And if you stopped for breakfast, I hope you got saltpepperketchup on your sandwich. Last but not but least, perhaps the single most important question ever asked in the history of mankind: what exit?
KINGDA KA. As the tallest roller coaster on the entire planet, I'd say this is something worth writing about. While I would never-ever-ever-EVER ride this roller coaster in a million years, I can see why Kingda Ka, and by extension, Six Flags, is one of the most popular destinations for thrillseekers. I can't think of anything more adrenaline-inducing than being launched nearly 500 feet up in the air - and it's right here in New Jersey! The only thing that sucks is that you will likely have to wait forever to get on the ride; but if you've ever been to the DMV, this line will be a piece of cake.
LIBERTY SCIENCE CENTER. A mystical land in which you can explore and let your imagination run wild, the Liberty Science Center is the coolest interactive science museum in the country, let alone NJ. It's definitely geared more towards kids, but hey, you're never too old to learn about science and have fun doing it. I remember taking many trips with school and the scouts, which were always good times. I never went in the touch tunnel as a kid though - I was always afraid of finding stale vomit, or worse, priests.
MEATS. Another reason why New Jersey is great is because of its amazing diversity of food options, and no offense to vegans (ok, maybe some) but this one is for the carnivores out there. From the White Manna to the White Rose, as well as my personal favorite, the Rocky Hill Inn, there are burger options aplenty. We also have supreme sausage options, from the no-frills to the high-class. So many more places with steaks and wings and such that I could ramble on about for hours. For more on this topic, check out the works of Pete Genovese, who I'm sure didn't become one of NJ's preeminent voices on food and culture by writing about salads.
NEW BRUNSWICK. The 'Hub City' has been home to many Espo Experiences, and for good reason - this is a city that has it all! It is of course home to the greatest college on the planet, Rutgers University, but its cultural significance isn't limited to just that. The underground music scene here is second to none, and the theatre scene is very well-regarded (though, Rutgers fucked up by not marketing its biggest star). Oh well. 'The Brunz' has a rich history too - it's the birthplace of both college football as well as the ever-illustrious fat sandwich. Here are some of the best spots in town to wet your whistle and satiate your appetite; look hard enough and you might just catch yourself a wild Espo.
OSCAR WINNERS. When it comes to award-winning actors, we may not be #1 in terms of quantity, but we've certainly got quality: what state packs a better 1-2 punch than Streep and Nicholson? There are so many great New Jersey actors that have yet to win (Ethan Hawke, Ed Harris among others), but I'd like to use this platform to promote two things: (1) Danny DeVito for a Lifetime Achievement Oscar. The man is a goddamn Jersey icon, and only he could wrest the attention away from Meryl and Jack and get away with it. And (2) This scene. Do I amuse you?
PRINCETON. Ye old college town. Might it be THE oldest? That I'm not sure of, but what I do know is that it is certainly one of the best in the world. And it's undoubtedly the most scenic; if you haven't toured the Princeton campus, I implore you to do so ASAFP, this place was Hogwarts before Hogwarts. It's too bad the only paths to a degree here are (A) being a literal genius, or (B) having what we like to call 'fuck you' money. But I digress - it's also home to a number of great bars and eateries, for peasants and patricians alike. Let it be known that when it comes to record stores, the PREX stands alone at the top.
QUARRELS. No other state can claim to be home of the most famous quarrel in history; no, not Pork Roll vs Taylor Ham - I'm talking about the Hamilton vs Burr duel. While I can safely assume none of us were in the heights of Weehawken circa 1804, it must have truly been a quarrel for the ages, since we're still talking about it. Lin-Manuel wouldn't make a play about just any old fight, you know. Other famous, nonlethal NJ quarrels: Jets vs Giants, Bergen Catholic vs Don Bosco, Wawa vs Quick Chek. And just to settle the score: it's PORK ROLL.
ROCKSTARS, RAPPERS, AND OTHER SONGSTERS. There are plenty of wonderful musically inclined Jersey Boys, and I'm not just talking about the Four Seasons. Newark especially has historically been a hotbed of talent, with talented rappers such as Redman, Ice-T, and Akon. And some incredibly talented ladies as well - Whitney Houston, Lauryn Hill, and Queen Latifah to name a few. Jon Bon Jovi, a legendary rocker, is from Sayreville. There's also this one guy from Freehold that you may have heard of, by the name of Bruce Springsteen. He's kinda popular here. Though, I would be remiss if I didn't show some love to Old Blue Eyes; Hoboken's favorite son; the incomparable Frank Sinatra.
SHORE. The magnum opus, the promised land, call it whatever you want; this right here is, truly, Jersey's Finest. Every beach town has something special to offer. We may not have the sweeping vistas of Californian coastline, but who needs that when you've got 3 Brothers Pizza (but seriously, who is the original?). From sandy toes to burnt cheeks, and sugar-coated fingers from boardwalk sweets, the shore always takes me back to a place of innocence. Which is now long gone, but hey, nothing good ever lasts. Just so you know where I stand on the topic, if the cast of Jersey Shore 'accidentally' fell into a volcano, I wouldn't be upset.
TAXES. The Garden State is known for being a tax haven; it's been lauded by economists as the Panama of the Passaic. Just kidding, no one's ever said that - it's fucking atrocious and it's not going to get better any time soon. In NJ, it's simply an annual rite of passage to get thoroughly boned by the government. Admittedly, I'm not a homeowner nor do I make enough money to really feel the squeeze - yet (but just you wait, I'll get there!). I'll truly never understand why taxes are so goddamn high in this state, but hey, I'm sure it's for a good cause - like keeping the bridges open ;)
UNION CITY. As I always say, a city that has good Cuban sandwiches, is a city that has it all. And Union City is one of those places - they don't call it Havana-on-the-Hudson for nothing. There is one spot that I am forever loyal to: El Artesano. They are worthy of all the acclaim; I contend that this nearly 50-year-old institution serves the best Cuban cuisine in the state. I'm sure there are plenty of other great eateries I need to try, but right now all I can think about is my craving for the finest Cubano north of Miami.
VEGETABLES. Jersey Fresh! New Jersey produces some of the best corn and tomatoes in the country. Though they are two of the state's chief exports, they are rarely imported into my digestive system, and I know I'm missing out; health benefits aside, they rock and I know I need to make them a more regular part of my diet. A burning question I have, is a pickle a vegetable? I simply won't visit a farmer's market in NJ without getting my pickle on. If you don't like pickles, I don't know if I can trust you.
WRITERS. While I'm optimistic that this piece of writing will one day be an important cultural artifact, and hopefully put on the shortlist for a Pulitzer, I don't want to get ahead of myself. So let me clear my throat show respect to the New Jersey writers that have captivated generations past and present. Show appreciation to Bayonne's native son, George R.R. Martin, I must - without him, we wouldn't have the third greatest HBO series of all time! Some other great Jersey born-and-bred wordsmiths: Ginsberg, Blume, and Roth, to name a few. And maybe one day, Esposito.
XANADU. Yes I know it's technically called the American Dream mall now but (A) we're nearly at the end of the list so here goes that editorial liberty thing again and (B) irony abounds, so the worst of Jersey is now the finest and (C) the American Dream is dead. At any rate, the construction project was a monstrosity for the ages and even the finished product remains an eyesore off the turnpike to this day. Capitalism for the win!
YOGI BERRA STADIUM. We're nearly at the end of our journey, but as the man himself once said, "it ain't over 'til it's over." Another Jersey gem, located on the Montclair State University campus, is Yogi Berra Stadium. It also has a museum and learning center which was an honor to visit; it's a must see for baseball fans of all kinds, Mets and Yankees fans alike. And remember one more piece of wisdom from the Mighty Yogi: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
ZEPPOLES. Remember this: zeppoles may have originated in Italy, but they have been perfected on the boardwalks of New Jersey. Eating sugar-coated fried dough probably isn't the best thing for your body, but as you damn well know by now, this is not a health blog. Munching down on some zeppoles is the best way to clog your arteries end a night down the shore, so naturally, it's only fitting that they signify the ending to an essay of espoesque escapades.
Well folks, that just about ends our journey throughout the great state of New Jersey. If you've come this far I applaud you for sticking with me 'til the end. As New Jersey's finest fictional protagonist once said, "All due respect, you got no fucking idea what it's like to be number one."
This real-life protagonist will tell you otherwise, though. So who needs a Golden, a Granite, or a Sunshine State?
We have all we'll ever need. Right at home. In the Garden State.
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